Jokes!...

  • Thought I might start a new thread to cheer us up!...:D...



    Donald Trump met with the Queen, and he asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"


    "Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."


    Trump frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around you are really intelligent?"


    The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."


    The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Boris Johnson in here, would you?"


    The Prime Minster walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"


    The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this, if you would, Boris. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"


    Without pausing for a moment, he answered, "That would be me."


    "Yes! Very good," said the Queen.


    Trump went back home to ask Mike Pence the same question. “ Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"


    "I'm not sure," said Pence. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.


    Finally, Pence ran in to his friend Jack Murphy in a restaurant the next night. Pence asked, "Jack, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"


    Jack Murphy answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!"


    Pence smiled, and said, "Thanks!"


    Pence then went back to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle: It's my friend Jack Murphy!"


    Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled, "No, you idiot! It's Boris Johnson!"

  • Before Marriage:

    Boy: Ah at last. I can hardly wait.

    Girl: Do you want me to leave?

    Boy: No don't even think about it.

    Girl: Do you love me?

    Boy: Of Course. Always have and always will.

    Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?

    Boy: Never. Why are you even asking?

    Girl: Will you kiss me?

    Boy: Every chance I get.

    Girl: Will you hit me?

    Boy: Hell no. Are you crazy?

    Girl: Can I trust you?

    Boy: Yes.

    Girl: Darling!

    After Marriage:

    (Read from bottom to top)

    “Without music, life would be a mistake”

  • 1. What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but their flag is a huge plus.


    2. Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it.


    3. And God said to John, "Come forth and you shall be granted eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

  • Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel and a small Mexican kid were on a plane, the plane was plummeting and was going to crash into a building. During a mass panic they could only find 3 parachutes.


    Donald said "I'm the smartest man ever here to run America and they need me right now, I'll take the parachute" . So Donald grabs it and jumps.


    Boris "UK needs me right now, so I'll take a parachute" So Boris grabs the Parachute and jumps


    Angela Merkel said to the young boy. "Go ahead son, take the parachute, you need it more then I do, I have done my time here on earth" .


    The boy replied "It's alright Angela, the smartest man ever to run America just took my school bag."

    Edited 2 times, last by Noni ().

  • Started a new job working in the Samaritans last month.


    I decided to ring in sick one day and some bastard talked me out of it.

  • Two old blokes in the garden of their nursing home. They hear the sound of an ice cream van.


    'It's years since I had an ice cream'

    'I'll go and get you one'


    ''You've got alzheimers, you'll forget'

    'No I won't'


    'Alright then. Can I have a chocolate flake in it ? You'll forget won't you ?''

    'No I won't'

    'Ok. And some of those chopped nut as well on it ? You'll forget won't you ?'

    'No I won't'

    ''And some strawberry sauce ? You'll forget won't you ?'

    'No I won't'


    The old boy comes back an hour later with a steak and kidney pie.


    'See. I knew you'd forget the chips'

  • Polar bear cub " Dad, am I a polar bear?"

    Dad polar bear " Of course you are son"

    Cub " Really, a proper polar bear?"

    Dad " Yep, the most ferocious, scariest animal on earth. Why do keep asking?"

    Cub "Cos I'm fucking freezing"

  • Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing bridge and bragging about their sons. “My Freddie,” said Margaret, “Everyone should be so lucky to have a son like my Freddie. Once a week he brings me a huge bouquet of flowers, he’s constantly bringing me out to restaurants to eat, if I so much as hint that I want something the next morning it’s on my doorstep.”


    “That’s very nice about your Freddie”, says Gertrude. “But with all due respect, when I think about the way my Sammy takes care of me, it just can’t compare. Every morning as soon as I wake up he greets me with bacon and freshly brewed coffee. Every lunch he comes over and cooks me a gourmet lunch, and every supper he brings me to his house for supper, he truly treats me like a queen.”


    “WELL!” Says Barbara “I don’t want to make any of you feel bad or anything, but wait until you hear about my Harry, twice a week he pays someone $200 an hour just so he can lie on their couch and talk to them, and who do you think he speaks about at those prices? Asks Barbara with a big excited double chin smile, “I’ll tell you who he speaks about! ALL HE SPEAKS ABOUT IS ME!”

    “Without music, life would be a mistake”

  • The Reason I’m Tired!


    For a couple of years I’ve been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason:


    I’m tired because I’m overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.


    There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.


    2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.


    Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.


    At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.


    Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.


    That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you’re sitting at your computer reading jokes!

    “Without music, life would be a mistake”

  • THE STAGES OF SUCCESS


    At age 4 success is…not peeing in your pants.


    At age 12 success is…having friends.


    At age 16 success is…having a drivers license.


    At age 20 success is…having sex.


    At age 35 success is…having money.


    At age 50 success is…having money.


    At age 60 success is…having sex.


    At age 70 success is…having a drivers license.


    At age 75 success is…having friends.


    At age 80 success is…not peeing in your pants

  • AT THE BAR THE OTHER NIGHT


    An elderly looking gentleman, (mid-nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well-looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.


    Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady.


    The gentleman walks over, sits alongside her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, “So tell me, do I come here often?”

  • One of my favourite comedians - his one liners are brilliant. He is great live

    Saw him in Wrexham a few weeks ago, for the second time. He is brilliant, and if you can find them, his BBC Radio 4 show, "The very world of Milton Jones" is worth a listen.

    Ian


    There is a church bell

    That rings on the hour

    Filling the streets

    Stopping the world awhile

  • Why did Beethoven get rid of his Chickens:?:


    All they said was Bach, Bach, Bach.....


    And his cows preferred Moozack!.........


    I shall get my coat!:D